(Trying… to… imagine… it…)
Once upon a time there was a dumb man. He was so dumb that he couldn’t think of any yo mama jokes, even though his mama had a lot of terrible personal failings, so you’d think he’d have a lot of great source material. He was also so dumb that, in spite of being blessed with great wealth and prosperity and an abundance of, well shit, just about anything anyone could want, he turned his nose up at all of it because it wasn’t a big enough pile of, well, pointless shit, when you got right down to it. He was so dumb that he heard this story about King Midas once and decided that it would be super cool if everything were covered in gold. And then he made that happen. (That gold saw really didn’t work out so well. Also, the gold steak knives. Also, the gold scissors. Gold’s soft, you see.) He was so dumb that, on the infinitesimally* rare occasion when someone else made an overture of friendship, he didn’t even recognize that that’s what was going on. He was so dumb that, shit, he was given pretty much everything (and I mean everything) his heart desired, but he still treated it all like a big heaping pile of shit. Now that’s dumb!
Moral: I’d feel sorry for him, only he’s just too dumb.
* Argh, had to look this one up too. Two many Ss. Just like molasses. Only I spelled it “molassess” and lost that spelling bee. I mean, kind of an embarrassing word to go out on, considering all the cool words I (can’t remember) spelling correctly.