The oldest and most obscure weblog. Probably. Lovingly maintained and neglected by Shawn Kilburn.
Once there was a murder of crows. They were pretty happy about that, in spite of the ominousness of their collective noun, or term of venery, if you will. People often wondered why they liked to hang out all together. I mean, think of all the poop! (You didn’t have to imagine it, because it was there all over the ground.) One time there was a murder, but the crows didn’t really mind.
Moral: Sometimes the world just keeps on rolling by.
Floyd was pretty bummed. He wanted to read about painted gibbons, but before he could check out that particular volume of Spoonstrel’s Taxonomy of Apes and Suchlike, he had to get this certificate. First, he’d gone to this guy who’d given him this certificate (on vellum with gold filigree, natch). Sweet, I’m off to the races! Floyd had thought. That is, until he turned in his certificate to this other guy who was all, Hey now! This certificate is expired and then quickly wrote yesterday’s date on the certificate. Excuse me, but did you just write yesterday’s date on that certificate? Floyd said. No, the #2 certificate guy said, staring at Floyd, unblinking. So Floyd went back and got a different certificate. Every time he tried to use it, it didn’t work out. They were all invalid for different reasons: the filigree needed to be silver, not gold; one of the certificates was in Russian; someone had drawn a rocketman in crayon on the back; it just went on and on. After 6 hours and 23 minutes, the #2 certificate guy said, Actually, hey, you know? I just remembered: We don’t accept any certificates here. We only accept certificates in our southern office. It’s 800 miles away. Good day sir! Floyd said and forcefully wandered out.
Moral: Who understands certificates? I sure don’t!
Remember that forgetful Walrus? I didn’t think so. Anyway, he was friends with this Carpenter. Together they’d built this pretty sweet boat. Really, it was a bunch of boats all tied together, but it seemed to float better that way. There was another big mass of boats that had come along a while back. They were built by a Unicorn, a Lion, and some other animals, I guess. They were all, “Hey Walrus and Carpenter! Come join us! We’d float so much better if you tied up with us!” The Walrus and Carpenter were pretty ok with it for a while. But then all these freaking Unicorns and Lions kept hanging out on their boat. “We can’t have this!” the Carpenter said. The Walrus was like, “I’m ok with it. The Unicorns and Lions have some pretty cool gewgaws.” The Carpenter kept stewing and stewing, really just obsessing over how great things were when they were floating on their own. He was remembering all the good times they had before their boat shrank (mysteriously–they suspected wizards and black magic and stuff). Then, while the Walrus was sleeping, the Carpenter ransacked their boat looking for a knife or a saw or a laser or something to cut their boat loose. That Carpenter just tossed a bunch of cool stuff over the side, also he cut up his hands and feet (mysteriously–he suspected wizards and black magic and stuff). All the animals on the other boats were like, WTF, man!?!? The Carpenter said (and there was a fair amount of spittle involved), “Things were better before in the magical time I barely remember!!” and then, inexplicably, started cutting through the part of the boat that had the rope tying their boat to all the others (he ignored the rope completely, for some reason) and all this water started pouring in. The Walrus woke up and was all, WTF, man!? Why is all our shit floating in the water? Meanwhile, the Unicorn was like, “Hey, I’ll just cut this rope then, yeah? See ya!” The Walrus got ready to sail away in one of the other boats. Meanwhile, the Carpenter, who seemed to have forgotten what to do with the knife or laser in his hand, just watched his golden umbrella floating away.
Moral: When you start behaving badly, don’t overestimate how much people like or need you.
Sonia Akakievich was inconsolable. Bjorn Bjornbjornssonsson had tossed her great-great-grandfather’s antique coat in the garbage, or so she thought. Turns out, he’d just set it down next to the garbage cans to air out. Really, there was no good reason for why he’d done so. Sonia waved around the portrait of her great-great-grandfather. “If you’d only made it clear to the garbage collectors that this was an important coat, they wouldn’t’ve assumed it’s rubbish and carted it away!” “I thought it was Thursday!” Bjorn Bjornbjornssonsson said.
Moral: The garbage gets picked up on Friday.
In an alternate dimension (Dimension X-423) where movies and television were never invented, the most popular form of entertainment comes in the form of training modules. This year, people are waiting with breathless anticipation for the fourth version of the training module, “Ethics Compliance, Fnord, and You.” But please don’t count out “Manufacturing Export Requirements (Interstellar),” what some consider the probable sleeper hit of the year. There are some who claim that the upcoming slate of training modules are simply derivative retreads of what’s come before. Not so, say others, implying that the naysayers are simply not discriminating enough to detect the wonderfully subtle variations in the eight training modules on HIPAA Compliance (Arcane). For the 18th year in the row, Playskool’s Multiple Choice Test toy outsells all the other toys on the market, beating out RadioButtons and Fill-in-the-Blanks.
Moral: Be glad you don’t live in an alternate dimension where the only form of popular entertainment is training modules.
The number gazed out upon the set of nigh-infinite numbers and sighed. “Why won’t anyone pick me?” None of the other two hundred and ninety-two million numbers (give or take) wanted to mention it, but the number had a big piece of spinach stuck in its teeth.
Moral: Sometimes, it’s not us, it’s you.
Payroll Corp (just Corp to his friends) was really excited. Today was the big day! He was starting a new job doing something for a giant company that he barely knew anything about. That morning, he set his alarm to go off extra early. Soon he was asleep, dreaming of runcible spoons. Upon waking, a somber gentleman in a grey suit handed him a checklist. “For your first day,” he said cryptically and, between Corp’s slow, sleep-encrusted blinks, disappeared. Payroll Corp heard his front door slam. Six days later, he was still sitting in bed working his way through the checklist. He wasn’t feeling quite as stoked about his new job. “I wonder what my friend, Null Tables, would have to say about this?”
Moral: There’s a lot to do and it has to be done now (or within 30 days)!
Once there was a parade of documents. It was not well attended. At first. But then everyone was required to attend. Also, there were hats. These were also required. Someone sneezed in the back and the parade had to start over from the beginning. Lunch was pickles and jello, because there were at least three documents that forbade everything else. Crying children were, at first, banned from the parade, and then also required. Soon everyone wasn’t sure if the documents were coming or going. Had they stopped? Were they moving? What was the story with the goldleaf embossing on documents 17-b through 37-12-a? No one knew. Another parade was scheduled for the following day. All were required to attend. Except girls named Stu and owners of goldfish. No one knew why, of course.
Moral: You must attend the document parade.
A Taste of Honey by Kai Ashante Wilson
A short, powerful love story. A master class in subtle world-building. Set in what seems like a loose Phoenician-style city, with other characters that seem like Greek (or possibly Roman-style) soldiers. Throw in aliens/gods and parallel universes. There’s a lot going on, but it all sort of comes together in this short novel.
Exhalation: Stories by Ted Chiang
A collection of stories by one of my favorite science fiction writers. Read for “The Merchant and the Alchemist’s Gate”, “The Truth of Fact, the Truth of Feeling”, and “The Great Silence”. LeVar Burton read “The Merchant and the Alchemist’s Gate” on his podcast, which you can listen to here.
300 Arguments: Essays by Sarah Manguso
As Sarah Manguso says, this is “a short book composed entirely of what I hoped would be a long book’s quotable passages.” Describes it perfectly. A delightful book.
Normal by Warren Ellis
Sort of a mystery story. Futurists and other big picture thinkers have nervous breakdowns and go to a sort of asylum in the Oregon coastal mountains. It’s pretty funny and weird. I don’t really remember how it ended, but the body made of bugs was pretty memorable!
Shaolin Cowboy: Start Trek by Geof Darrow
Extremely violent, nonsensical, and borderline unfathomable martial arts comic. That’s some crab!
Rise of Empire (Riyria Revelations, v2) by Michael J. Sullivan
Epic fantasy. I’ve read a bunch of these now. Very readable and the relationship between the honorable ex-soldier and the mostly amoral thief/assassin is what keeps these books cooking.
Killing Gravity (The Voidwitch Saga, v1) by Corey J. White
Yeah, telekinesis would be pretty handy in space for wrecking things.
Grandville Force Majeure by Bryan Talbot
An alternate reality 1930s (?) London peopled entirely by anthropomorphized animals. (I kept thinking: What would this book be like if they were human people instead?) I realized upon finishing this that it was the finale of a series. Pretty good detective yarn, although probably it’s worth starting with the first in the series, in retrospect.
Tentacle by Rita Indiana
A deeply strange time-traveling, body(and gender)-swapping story about environmental catastrophe and oceanic ecological collapse. The writing is extremely raw and there’s much (justified) rage over the despoiling of the natural world.
The New World by Ales Kot
A Romeo and Juliet story, basically, in a near future authoritarian dystopia. It’s pretty fun.
Magic for Liars by Sarah Gailey
OK, what if Harry Potter’s Dudley Dursley were vaguely sympathetic and grew up having to wrestle with being non-magical and having a wizard brother? In this, the non-magical sister has to investigate a possible murder at the magical school where her sister teaches. I always want to figure out the twist, but I never do. This book explores some complicated family dynamics in a fastinating way. Also, really gets into how annoying dealing with magical teenagers would be.
Dead Lions by Mick Herron
I liked Slow Horses enough that I didn’t wait very long to pick up the sequel. I’m a sucker for spy stories and this one doesn’t disappoint. File it under: intelligence agencies are their own worst enemy.
Empty Space by M. John Harrison
The third in a gonzo sf trilogy. Capitalism will wreck the future, just like it’s messing up now. Definitely read the first one first, Light. It was so long since I’d read the first two that I’d basically forgotten what happened completely beforehand. I think these books pretty much stand on their own there.
Burning Your Boats: The Collected Short Stories by Angela Carter
Angela Carter sure can write! I had already read a bunch of these stories in another collection, but Carter’s always worth a read.
That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime (v1) by Fuse
Incredibly silly. Exactly what it says on the tin. I have no idea where this strange story is going to go.
Lolly Willowes; or The Loving Huntsman by Sylvia Townsend Warner
A charming book in which not much happens and also everything happens. Also, the Devil’s in it. I’ll definitely be reading other books by her.
The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden
Kind of a kitchen sink sci fi yarn. There’s psychic abilities and weird mind and body altering drugs and ancient gods. Ambitious! Probably the most charming character, for me, was the politician/drag queen.
Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up with Me by Mariko Tamaki
I wish there had been books like this, about adolescence and relationships, when I was one. Maybe there were and I just missed them? This comic’s got some important lessons in it, told in an entertaining style.
High Crimes by Christopher Sebela
A spy story told through a trek to the top of Everest. Pretty dark. I still can’t say I understand why people want to climb to the tops of mountains, but at least this protagonist had the threat of death to motivate her.
Educated: A Memoir by Tara Westover
A friend said that this book kicked his butt. That was very much my experience. There was much in it that hit a little bit too close to home. Extremely good, nevertheless.
Middlegame by Seanan McGuire
Reminded me very much of Tim Powers’ books, especially Earthquake Weather and Last Call. A sort of time travel story. I enjoyed this one very much.
The Decagon House Murders by Yukito Ayatsuji
There’s a Japanese mystery genre called “shin honkaku” that roughly translates to “new orthodox”. Puzzle box, locked room mysteries. Detective in the drawing room style. This one’s very stripped down with the characters almost like puzzle pieces. I did not solve the mystery, but it’s very clever, and I didn’t feel bad for not piecing it together. (I first read about the book on Robin Sloan’s blog/newsletter here.)
On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong
It’s so strange reading a novel with characters as children and teenagers in the early 2000s. Thanks, novel, for making me feel old. A beautifully written book. I could tell it was written by a poet.
Prince of Cats by Ron Wimberly
A comic adaptation of Romeo and Juliet told as a non-linear modern gang war. I never really got the Montague/Capulet feud until I read it here. R&J is so raw because it’s all teenagers.
Paper Girls (v6) by Brian K Vaughan
The conclusion to this series. I used to think that Saga was my favorite of Vaughan’s books, but I’ve gotta go with Paper Girls. I mean, it has time travel, which is a winner for me every time. Definitely start this series at the beginning.
Die: Fantasy Heartbreaker (v1) by Kieron Gillen
That RPG game turned real! Some good stuff here. I’ll definitely read more.
This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone
Based on the title, I was always going to read this book. It did not disappoint. It’s a book that seemed completely written for me. I only wished it was a little longer, but in a way, it was the perfect length. After I read it, I ran across this nice, brief write up of it on the Letters and Sodas blog here.
The Best of Everything by Rona Jaffe
Another book that would’ve been extremely helpful to have read in my late teens and early 20s. I’ll be thinking about this one for a while. Holds up well for a book written in the 1950s, a decade that I don’t have much fondness for, generally, fictionwise.